Each of us has experienced rejection, whether it was from your dream job, a college admissions process, or a high school crush. Rejection is inevitable and we all have to find a way to deal with it. But many of us still struggle with it, even though it’s completely normal and recurs throughout our lives. Why do we struggle with rejection and how should we deal with it? Read on to understand why we struggle with rejection and how to evolve ourselves to deal with it.
Why We Struggle with Rejection
Humans are hardwired to be social beings. We’re all part of our society and group dynamics are present in every facet of our lives. As a result, we want to fit in and belong to that group. Consequently, when we are rejected in any kind of way, we feel that we don’t fit in, which goes against our social beliefs. That’s why we struggle so much with rejection. When we are rejected, we are told directly that we can’t belong to a certain group or team. We are afraid of what people will think of us, or at least what we think of ourselves. Guy Winch explains in his TED blog post that rejection activates the same parts of our brain that are active when experiencing physical pain. No wonder we try to avoid rejection as if we were dodging a bullet.
The Five Phases of Rejection
We can experience rejection in many different areas of our lives, but they each have a different emotional impact on us and require different reactions from us. For example, we react to rejection in our meaningful relationships very differently from the way we react if we get rejected by our dream university or graduate school. Nevertheless, the resilience both types of rejection require of us to recover and live to fight another day are similar.
The University of Toronto’s blog post on the 5 stages of rejection, breaks it down intuitively.
The first stage is shock. Let‘s face it, a key motivation for us trying or seeking something new is a fundamental belief that there is possibility and hope for the best outcome, which doesn’t include being rejected. Of course we know rejection is a possible outcome, yet we hope for the best, partly as a way to motivate ourselves to put our best foot forward. So while our logical mind knows rejection might be an outcome, our emotional mind is shocked at the actuality of rejection.
Second, for some of us, denial sets in – we think that the interviewer confused us with another candidate or maybe the email just got sent to the wrong person. Denial does not and should not last long as the inevitability of the rejection sets in and this can trigger phase 3 – anger. Denial and anger are the most unproductive emotions, as is allowing ourselves to wallow in them. After we’ve stormed and raged, we get sad from the hurt, injustice and powerlessness we feel and that’s when in my opinion, the 4th stage – the worst stage of sadness, begins.
The sad stage, I think, is the hardest to work through because it causes us to doubt ourselves: maybe we’re not as talented and good as we think we are. The reflective mindset kicks in where we begin to accept rejection. In this process, we start to process our experience in a more constructive way than in any of the previous stages. We actually begin analyzing what went wrong and what we could have done differently. It’s from this space of reflection that we actually improve, and learn.
Why the Fear of Rejection Can Hold You Back in Life
The stages of rejection are a vital learning mechanism for our lives, and yet so many people fear it. Being rejected and being forced to process it and find a path forward despite the rejection is what allows us to grow and learn.
We live in a time in which experiencing negative emotions is itself best avoided and social media, which biases towards people sharing happy and triumphant moments, rather than negative or difficult ones is the prevalent social value system. , So it makes sense that no one wants to experience shock, denial, anger or sadness. It’s the desire to avoid these four emotions that I believe induces a common fear of rejection.
Fear of rejection is problematic for at least two important reasons. First, the fear prevents us from taking risks and putting ourselves out there. Second, we grow from the combination of our positive and negative experiences so trying to protect ourselves from negative emotions decreases our resilience and self awareness by failing to expose us to the opportunities that could enable us to grow, learn and better ourselves.
Coping with Rejection
It’s important that we work through rejection to know how to deal with it, but also to stop being afraid of it. In my opinion, the most important thing is to validate your feelings. Accept that you’re struggling with your negative feelings and work through them to learn to reconcile with them and move forward. Every rejection provides us with an opportunity to evolve if we reframe our mindset to focus on moving forward from it. If we can focus on what comes next, we can begin to see the positive in the rejection.
Other important coping mechanisms include: keeping things in perspective and remembering that it happens to everyone, figuring out what really scares you about rejection and facing your fear as well as rejecting negative self-talk. To learn more about those coping mechanisms, check out this Healthline article.
How can a coach help?
However, like many things in life, overcoming fear and dealing with rejection, especially when we’re not good at it, often works a lot better when you have a support system to lean on. ideamix coaches can help you work through rejection and put things in perspective. If you feel that working through rejection is a priority in your life, I highly recommend you get matched with one of our vetted coaches today and seek professional support. Coaching can actively help you work through rejection by helping you develop strategies for dealing effectively with setbacks and rejection, while building your confidence. Your coach is your personal cheerleader who believes in your abilities and helps you not only set your goals, but also take the necessary actions to achieve them.
I’ve been rejected several times in my life and learned to live to tell the tale. A few months ago, I was rejected by what I thought was my dream school. I went through all the stages of rejection. Not achieving a goal I’d had throughout my high school career felt like failure.
Looking back, I’m happy I was rejected. I learned that sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to, for reasons beyond our control.Recovering from the rejection has made me more confident in my abilities. It’s forced me to rethink what college will fit me best and I’m happy with and excited about my new direction. I’ve gained emotional strength, self-awareness and self-confidence, as well as had the opportunity to improve myself. I’ve also gained empathy and compassion for others, because I can relate to what every other human being feels when they’re rejected. So put yourself out there and reject your fear of rejection. There’s no question you’ll grow and get stronger in all sorts of positive ways.
